Autor: Anonymous, 29.11.2017
A breakdown, yeah – I´ve had that happen – when I was overseas. I wasn´t thinking it would after being prepared by so many tips from doctors and blog entries. None of which helped me in my situation.
As my anxiety took control of my body, I couldn´t breathe probably. I froze on the spot with tense muscles and a tunnel vision – completely unable to cope with all the different feelings that suddenly came up. As soon as I had realised that I couldn´t fight it – I simply gave in and let it happen. It felt like a lifetime but was only minutes in real life before it was all over. Done. I have survived another anxiety attack.
The difference between this attack and all the others I had before was only the location. That surprised me the most. This never happened while I was travelling. It surprised me and scared the shit out of me, also.
After a bit of time has passed I regained full consciousness in the corner of my apartment. My body hurt – all over and I felt things I´ve never felt before. Normally I would express my feelings in any way possible, just to be able to understand them. For me – this is the easiest way to start to living with them. But this was not the case this time, as I was completely unable to make sense off them. Furthermore, I was in a different country – with a lot of new impressions and nothing like my familiar environment back home.
There I was –confused and all alone.
I thought about all the preparation I had done before my trip. They recommended breathing techniques, meditation and lots more. I tried them all – without a satisfying outcome. I thought about texting friends back home but it was the middle of the night – on a workday – and I didn´t want to disturb anyone.When I heard my neighbours speak through the thin walls of the motel – I was still overwhelmed. As tourists do – they were coming back from a daytrip. Happy as ever walking along the small corridor, their voices came closer and closer. Without thinking, I went straight to bed and covered myself up with the doona. As they entered their room they kept talking about all the things they´ve had seen today. I just laid there listening trough the thin walls. They were at the beach with incredible waves, turtles in the ocean and even a manta ray gliding over the reef. A day, they will love to remember and cherish in the future, unlike me, wanting to only forget today and move on.
As much as I wanted to go and talk to someone I simply couldn’t. Why I couldn´t? – No idea!
I wouldn´t be able to answer this question if someone would ask me, not even if I´d ask myself. At this point, I was all out of answers. The things that happened earlier that day were in the past, I knew this, although it kept on repeating in my mind. I was restless and desperately needed to regain control over my thought process. In doing so, the first view entering my mind was about other people. Typically, what would they do? Would they judge me? Would they even believe me? As always, I tented to see things in a pessimist way – and not to my benefit, ever. I caught myself with exactly this thought on my mind, just for the blink of an eye.
But how history clearly confirms, thinking about the same things over and over had never helped anyone.
Also, not one other things to calm me down came to my mind. So, for a while I wondered off and lost track of my thoughts.